Autumn

Fall…it’s my favorite time of year. I love the cool crisp morning air, the sunny days, and chill of the nights. Fall is the time of year when coffee tastes the best, and when sweatshirts and football make Friday nights and Saturday afternoons all the more enjoyable. But, even more than comfortable days and relaxing weekends, the wonderful colors during this time of year are what make me adore the autumn. Watching nature change right before my eyes is, at times, astounding.

Today, though, as I was driving home from church—not in a rush, just taking my sweet time as I observed how the leaves have changed just these past couple days—the beauty of the season reminded me, yes, of God’s handiwork and glory, but more significantly the truth and wonder of His love for us.

See, although I seek to live my life for Him and by His Word, I often stumble and fall; and, for me, it often takes me a few to get back on my feet and running back toward the Lord. I was talking to my friend today, just kind of thinking out loud, and I came to this conclusion (clear your head and brace yourself-haha-because this might be a little confusing):

Okay, so I personally have trouble, at times accepting things from other people—whether that be gifts, acts of service, compliments, whatever. See, I sincerely enjoy doing things for other people and giving of myself to help others out; but when it is reciprocated to me, it’s a little tough. Essentially, I don’t feel like I deserve it or that it’s worth it for them to give it to me. I feel “bad”, guilty.

It occurred to me that this is how I feel toward God. Not that I actually do big things for God, but more along the lines of our relationship being based on how I act or what I do. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would never tell anybody this in regards to their lives. In fact, I have told people over and over again, “It’s not about a checklist or a system of works; it’s about a relationship and an unconditional love that He has for His children.” Yet, when it comes to the standard that I hold myself to, I don’t “practice what I preach”.

Rather, when I sin, screw up, do something I know I shouldn’t, or whatever, I don’t feel like I can get right back up and immediately come back to God. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve it. Well, duh, because I’m not; it’s not about us, but about His love, mercy, and grace. (This is a perfect example of what I’m trying to explain) Okay, so I don’t feel worthy; I know I’m not worthy; I know that it’s not about what I can do; yet despite this whole thought process and this knowledge of truth, I STILL don’t feel like I can immediately come back to the Lord!! This might sound crazy, but this is what absolutely runs through my mind: I feel like because I screwed up, that I should have to pay for it, that I should have to suffer a little bit.

Here’s what I mean: it’s not that I continue doing the same sin that made me fall in the first place, but I feel as if I should have to experience that sense of misery. That hurt one feels when they know they have done something that is displeasing and dishonoring the Lord. You know what I’m talking about—that almost sick feeling and the sense of distance we have when we sin. I feel like I should have to experience that for a while before I can come back into the loving graces of God.

I know at this point, I probably sound a little off, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg, ha. Okay, so these last four paragraphs are a total reality for me…a constant battle. But it goes a little deeper, gets a little more complicated, and more difficult to try and explain. But since this has been somewhat therapeutic for me to attempt to put the thoughts onto paper, I will try to explain further.

So, like I said, what I just explained is a reality for me. Yet, it is just one aspect of a larger battle. So, as I go on, think about the aforementioned “battle” as one reality within itself…one stand-alone factor. Make sense? One factor. Alright, I’ll continue on.

I probably sound like a nut, but whatever. While, this “battle” is, often, the reality that I live in, there still is a conversation, so to speak, that I have with myself about this “reality” (When I say conversation, it’s more of a term for thought process; I guess it’s a silent conversation that I have, ha). I’ll try to make it clear. Say I screw up, and at that point I feel like I must suffer a bit before I can come back to the Father, because I don’t deserve Him. Alright, so that’s exactly what happens. I won’t allow myself to accept the forgiveness until I have paid my penance, or I just get too worn down from trying to do everything on my own. Okay, that’s the “reality” or the “battle”. But even outside of that, I have a battle (a conversation) about the battle. Oh, my word, this is crazy!

So I have this “knowledge of truth”, as I have termed it. This is what the Bible says about things. This is what I tell other people when they are struggling. It’s the encouragement that I give when my friends are hurting, and the Scriptures of promises I quote when they feel hopeless. That’s my knowledge of truth. But obviously, as evident from above, it’s not the guide I always use for my life. I guess that’s not really what I believe, if I don’t believe it for myself.

Let me explain. I think that how you act, is really how you believe. For example, hypocrites—we all are eager to point them out—they are people who say they believe one thing, yet do another. And typically, it’s in a negative context—like someone says they love God, yet their life Monday thru Saturday shows no evidence of belief in God: no reverence, no conviction, no nothing. We all immediately think, “I guess they really don’t believe what they say they do…they don’t appear to live that way.” Get it?

So technically, I’m a hypocrite. It might not be in the negative context, as I do seek to please the Lord; but, what I believe for others, I don’t always believe for myself. My “knowledge of truth” that I share with others, I don’t act upon in my own life…there’s a gap between what I say I believe and how I act; and, by principle, that causes me to question whether I really believe it or not. I do, but I don’t for myself. I do, but I struggle with it.

So, as I began to explain a minute ago, I live in this “battle”, this “reality”; and outside of this “reality” I have a “conversation” about my “battle” (I’m sorry for the confusion…just think about it for a minute and let it soak in; maybe then you’ll get what I’m trying to say). I have this “knowledge of truth”—the truth of the Scripture that tells me that though I’m not worthy, and definitely undeserving, God is still a God of forgiveness, mercy, and unconditional love. This is one side of the “conversation”. In opposition, there’s, again, a stream of thoughts that tell me I’m not worthy. That even though I’ve been brought up and taught that this “knowledge of truth” is indeed true and what I should base my life upon, these opposing thoughts tell me I still don’t deserve it. Then, forget about deserving it…if it (this “knowledge of truth”)really were true, would I even be having this battle, this reoccurring conversation, this constant conflict?!

It’s madness!! Pure, insane madness!! It makes me think I’m crazy!! I’m sure it sounds absurd and insane!! Yet, regardless, it’s a real fight. And let me tell you, it’s mighty tiring!! Some days, I’m able to overcome the fight, and win the conversation about the “battle”, ha. I realize that I can come back to the Lord even when I screw up, and I don’t have to serve some sort of sentence—a penance for what I’ve done—of distance between me and the Lord. I just have to repent, and He will more than gladly forgive me. It’s these days that I live in the truth of the knowledge of Scripture. Other days, though, I spend struggling to get through the day because I feel so unworthy, undeserving…essentially worthless, and beyond all hope.

If you’re still reading, I’m sure you’re thinking (if you’re still able to after all of those quotations and mentions of battles and fights, and circles I just made), “One, this chick is wack!! And what the crap does this have to do with fall?! I mean, seriously, what’s the point of this whole deal, again??!!” By now, I’m sure you’re just now realizing that the last twelve paragraphs were indented and were, apparently, not the main point or lesson of the entire entry. But don’t worry; the wrap up is rather brief (well, relatively).

So back to my love for autumn. Remember the colors? Today, on my way home from church, as I was having the very conversation with myself that I just tried, as simply as possible, to explain to you—it hit me. The beauty of fall—the changing leaves on the trees, and even the bright wildflowers in the field— took on a whole new meaning. Right there, while chaos and confusion were flooding my mind, I sought to find God in the beauty of nature around me. But more than me finding God; God found me. In my feebleness of mind, God spoke truth and peace to me:

"This is why I tell you: Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the sky: they don’t sow or reap of gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you now even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that’s how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, WON’T HE DO MUCH MORE FOR YOU—you of LITTLE FAITH?...But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:25-30, 33-34

Although, this might not be the typical application of this passage, God brought this Scripture to my spirit to remind me of His love for me. In my spirit, I felt Him say,

"Alysha, if I care enough to display my glory and beauty in nature around you, why do you question my love for you? Just as the trees and the plants of the field “allow” me to do my work and change them with the seasons, won’t you just accept what I’ve already done for you and “allow” me to love you. Stop refusing me, because you don’t feel worthy. You’re not, but I love you regardless. Just like I love those around you with an unconditional love, I love you in that same manner! Stop trying to wrap logic around it all. I’m unfathomable! Remember what I said to Isaiah in Isaiah 55:8-9? ‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways. For as the heaven is higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts,’!! I love differently than you do. I’m God. Truly humble yourself—not a false humility which is realistically selfishness and a warped sense of pride. I’m God; accept that! Let Me be God and you be My child."

I serve a God that loves me regardless. Despite my selfishness, pride, doubt, unbelief, feebleness—despite everything, HE LOVES ME!! Thank you, Father, for your unconditional, never-ending love!! May I ever be reminded of Your mercy and grace, and live in the reality of your ‘crazy love’.

[Let me just also say, during this entire conversation with myself, and between me and God, this song was playing in the background.]

How He Loves Us
He is jealous for me
He loves like a hurricane
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions - eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me
Oh, how he loves us so
Oh, how he loves us
How he loves us so
We are his portion; and he is our prize - drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean - we’re all sinking
Then heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
My heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way he loves us
Oh, how he loves us.